Raising my son to not take on his father’s toxic traits is exhausting, especially when trying to balance a healthy feminine energy. For those unaware, toxic masculine traits are aggression, emotional suppression, and dominance. Toxic feminine traits are excessive self-sacrifice, overdependence on others, and prioritizing appearance over personal agency.
This blog is not to bash my son’s father. I actually hold space to be compassionate toward him at a soul level because I understand that he is facing deeper inner struggles than I do, and his reaction to that is his toxicity showing. My compassion for him does not make it any easier to listen to him berate our son or me. My compassion does not excuse his behavior. Rather, it shortens my conversations and my trust in him is near nonexistent. And that’s how I’m teaching my son to navigate his father’s behavior.
I eventually divorced his father because the tension in the home became too much. I lost the ear of friends and certain family during the divorce because they chose to pick sides. I could feel them judging me for leaving a “good man” who was really a swarm of negative energy at home. Without truly putting our business in the world to judge, I knew I had to leave when I was being called names in front of my son and when I realized that living with him was negatively impacting my mental and emotional health. I struggled with the decision as a mom because I grew up in a healthy two-parent household. My conscience couldn’t allow me to stay in something so toxic, nor would I want our son to grow up with me being unhappy and disrespected. Leaving was my strength.
Divorce felt amazing! I didn’t want to uproot our son, so I purchased a condo near the water and started anew. I brought new EVERYTHING, minus clothes. He could have it! Our son was five when we split. But during that time, he bounced between houses to keep his same schedule with school; he mostly stayed with his dad until the next school year.
It’s only easy to co-parent because I don’t depend on his father for much. I am financially independent, stable, and, most importantly, happy! I’ve made an effort to untangle any energy exchanges between his dad and me that are not influenced by our goal of being great co-parents. I refrain from discussing what I’ve heard regarding his attempts to tarnish my name and reputation among long-time friends who later relay his words to me. I prefer to let his father exist in his fantasy that I left him without cause and that I’m not a good parent. Part of me feels indifferent to his misery as long as I have proof and recognize the value I bring to our situation.
To make a long story short, a few nights ago, our son was visibly disturbed by something his dad said. He’s told me that he feels unheard and disrespected by his father. Although I know EXACTLY what he is describing, I do my best not to down-talk his father. After all, his dad loves him and really isn’t doing any of this ON PURPOSE. There goes my compassion for him again. I, as an adult, understand this, but for our son, I don’t feel that is something he will fully understand at this time, so I mostly just listen and encourage him to use various tools and techniques to navigate the behavior. For example, my son says his father calls him “slow” or talks to him crazily when they are playing video games together and his father is losing. I told him to just remove himself from the situation and not play games with him for a while. Otherwise, he should expect that type of response and just know not to take it personally.
His father lies too. I think that is part of his trauma-based coping mechanism. I am trying to use any word but narcissistic because it’s overused, but that does come to mind. No one knows his father lies and manipulates situations as much as he does. But at one point, before I realized this was his trait, he had me believing that I couldn’t remember events accurately and that I was wrong about certain situations that I know happened. Once I learned he is a pro at mind games, I began to learn his patterns. The other night, when my son called his dad to confront him about an issue he had, I was in the room. His father began to explain why he says and does the things he does, and it was our son’s fault for why it’s happening. In the next sentence, he not only justified it but invalidated it by saying “you don’t remember,” or “you’re too young to understand.” #manipulation
The average person would go around the merry-go-round with this, and when I saw my son start to blame himself, I told him to take it with a grain of salt. His dad was avoiding the very valid issues our son has with him. Rather than listening, his dad was defending. It’s sad. Now, there were some good points made on both sides, but I still can’t get over the manipulation his dad puts his son through.
Yesterday, his dad called me, and we got into a disagreement because he began to talk to me a certain way—like he did in the marriage. Remember, the reason I left. When I stood my ground, he told me, “that’s why I talk to you the way I do.” It brought back memories of the times that I confronted him (in the marriage) about respecting me as an adult and not berating me.
I think my son sees the efforts that I’m putting forth to this day. I am careful not to mother him too much, to give him independence and to show him what healthy interaction looks like with other males. My home is happy; we laugh, we dance, we joke, we talk. I’m doing my best to lead by example and not by force. It’s my prayer that it works and our son will grow to be a respectful, well-balanced young man who breaks the trauma-filled energy that his dad brings forth.
I wish I had all the answers and wisdom for those who endure toxicity, but I don’t. My only contribution is sharing my story, hoping it offers a glimmer of hope to someone in need. Throughout my life, I have seen too many people remain in unfulfilling situations due to their own insecurities or desires. Therefore, I urge you to pay attention to your well-being and act in alignment with your highest good.