My heart aches in this moment. It’s taken me by surprise because nothing in my life is “wrong,” per se.
Last week, I expended a lot of energy on situations that stirred my emotions. I ended up having a disagreement with my son, who is now at the age where he’s discovering himself. I reluctantly, but necessarily, blocked a man who wasn’t respecting my boundaries. Additionally, I confessed my admiration for a woman I’ve had a crush on for quite some time, without any confirmation that she feels the same way.
I’m lonely as I type this, and it feels vulnerable to admit. It’s a paradox, though, because I also enjoy my space and am not seeking anything long-term at this moment. I just want my best friend—whoever they may be. I want to cuddle, to talk, and to share full disclosure and transparency about our life experiences. Right now, I feel like I’m only giving enough of myself for others to see that I am worthy of their company, and that hurts.
I have a lot to give. I know that I am worthy and fulfilling many aspects of my purpose. I understand that there are no coincidences or mistakes, only lessons to be learned and tests to be faced. However, the human part of me—the side that craves deep connections—can’t help but feel neglected. I want a best friend; I have longed for a best friend. Yet, I worry that what I want may not align with what I need to fulfill my purpose on this earth.
My heart hurts. I feel that I give so much of myself to serve others, yet I don’t feel the same level of care coming back to me. I’m not even sure I would know how to handle such acts of kindness if they were offered. It doesn’t feel authentic to withhold so much of myself in my truest connections. So, I find myself uncertain about what to do or where to go from here.
I don’t doubt that I have much to offer that is loving and healthy towards others. Yet, I often encounter people who can’t reciprocate because they don’t understand what that looks like. I’ve asked my guides if I am here to demonstrate healthy relationships rather than to connect in a long-term way. I must be okay and trusting if that is the case.
Tears fall as I write this. It only took me writing six full paragraphs to admit. The wails I release are foreign to me because I haven’t let go like this in a long time. I accept this outpouring, knowing I am releasing toxins and cleansing the space for something new—perhaps my best friend.
I’m uncertain when my other half will appear, but I am confident that all of my lessons and tests would make them proud.
A few days ago, the woman I’m crushing on asked if I expect to receive love in the way that I give it. I initially answered “no.” However, upon further reflection, I realize I haven’t met anyone like that before, which is why I don’t expect it. Deep down, it would be amazing to find someone who shares my core values and reciprocates my love languages. Perhaps my standards are set too low and my expectations should be higher. I should pay closer attention, be more present with what is, and temper my urge to defend my connections.