Mixed Emotion

So I’ve told you snippets about the park I go to every night and run/jog/whatever.

Yesterday I went, more out of frustration, than determination.  J. and I had a serious talk, and I wanted to sort of get away to clear my head. In the process, I thought that I would get in some exercise.  Well that didn’t really happen.  But here’s what did…

I arrived at the park around 6:20pm.  The sun was settling and there was a slight breeze.  Kids playing on the playground can be heard in the distance.  I plugged in my headphones and began to go around the trail.

To my left, recreational basketball players were engaged in their tournament.  To my right, a white puppy sat with his owner, enjoying the afternoon.  The pup’s tail wagged and ears raised when I passed.

Despite the calmness of it all, my mind was still on my convo with J.  I tried to focus as best I could on my surroundings, but it was almost impossible.

Finally, about 10 minutes in to it, I came up on the football field where the little leagues practiced.  I only made an appoint to stop at the smallest team. The older kids were interesting, but not as interesting as the smaller kids.  I found a spot on the top of the bleachers and took my headphones off.  There were three coaches to this team of five or six year-olds.

I was amazed to see how much these little guys understood instruction. I guess I’m sort of naive to think that five and six year olds don’t follow instruction that well. But they were learning the moves pretty quickly.  It funny to see them tackling each other. One of the coaches had to keep telling them “When I blow the whistle that means stop!” because so many of them wanted to keep tussling.  Another coach kept hitting them on the helmets with some kind of cushion thingy to say “good job.” I laughed so hard. These little kids were too cute.

To the side of me stood the mothers.  They had obviously formed some sort of relationship amongst each other.  I faintly heard their stories of their children’s nightmares, husband’s funny stories, and other activities the children were involved in.  (No I wasn’t eaves dropping hard – their voices carried. lol)  So in a way, it sort of saddened me.  There I sat – childless.  I wanted to tell them that they were so lucky to have children.  After about thirty minutes, I got up and headed back to my car.

A feeling of mixed emotions overwhelmed me.  In many ways, I’m happy that I don’t have any children.  I don’t feel that I’m where I want to be financially, or in terms of my career. And of course it’s nice to get up and go without having to worry about another person.  On the other hand, I don’t want to get old and have no one to fall back on. I don’t want to miss out on grandchildren or the closeness that I would have with my own children.  To be honest, I fear that I may not be able to have any.  Last year, when I turned 25, I almost cried because I knew I was getting older and that I would have wanted children by now.  Granted, I’m still young, but reality is that I’m of “perfect conceiving age.”

J. wants kids, probably more than I do, and he admitted that he was looking to have one by the end of next year.  That’s a lot of pressure on someone that is unsure as to if she can have kids in the first place.  And truth be told, I should have been pregnant at some point in my life by now.  I never really tried not to have them.  And on few occasions, I actually tried really hard to have them.  During a previous doctor’s visit, I was told that my ovaries and uterus were fine. I guess it’s hard to admit, but if I don’t have kids, I would feel sort of worthless.  Almost as a man might if his ‘men didn’t march.’  My mom had trouble conceiving, so maybe there is something else there.

I’d go to get it checked out, but the only problem is the financial aspect. I don’t have that type of money lingering around right now. Is there anything in McCain or Obama’s plan that will help a sista out? lol j/k.  But seriously. I have mixed emotions about yesterday.