The Cursed Addict

Addiction is unpleasant any way you look at it. Yet, we become addicted to many things in life. Some are addicted to chocolate, others to drugs. Me…well…I’m addicted to you.

I’m clueless as to why my addiction remains so strong after so long, but it’s something that I must face…alone.

I sit and listen to Jill Scott sing “Cross My Mind” as I reminisce of what used to be. The thought of you has lingered long in my mind for too many hours and too many days. I can’t shake the thought of the fullness of your lips, the sweetness of your smile, the sincerity in your eyes, the strength in your hands, the presence of your spirit in the same room. You have given me what are called true quivers. After all of these years, my heart still flutters as I engage in deep thought of what it was once like to be loved by you. These thoughts come so naturally it seems. Such a beautiful thought yet cursed by the feeling. To love someone that isn’t yours.

How amazing it’s to love someone, leave him, come back to him, and love him again just the same as you did before. False love? I doubt it. How amazing it is to want to be so engaged and involved in someone’s life after years of separation. Not knowing one another just adds a little mystery and strengthens the addiction. Will I ever get to know you again? Will I like who you are now? Will I ever be reminded what it feels like to kiss your lips, to hold your hand? Will I ever be reminded of how secure I felt standing next to our skin? You know–the little things.

When God introduced me to you, He knew what he was doing. But my question to him is “why?” Why has he given me a love that I can feel but no longer touch? Will I be addicted for the rest of my life? And when you and I meet up again, can I be the woman that you need me to be? Will you judge me or the things that I may bring from the past?

Love, you are just running across my mind. What are you doing? Are you sitting, thinking about me too? Are you just as in love as I? Do I cross your mind from time to time? When you kiss her, do you picture me standing there? When you make love to her, do you imagine what never was? When you experience new obstacles in life, do you wish that I were there to watch you grow? Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me?
Would things have been different if we ever made love? Would my addiction be overthrown? What would that feel like?

Some of my friends have cried while making love? Would you be the one to make me cry? Would you kiss me passionately and allow all of the years of emotion to take its course inside of me? Would you lay there afterwards with me and embrace the moment? Can we have a day of love making in many and all ways possible? Can we linger in lust for a while afterwards? Would you do a private dance for me and allow me to lick my favorite treat off of your blackness?

Can I touch your abs? Can I suck on your toes and nipple on your ears? Can I run my fingers through your hair? Can I rub all over your body as the passion I feel inside of me explodes and leads me to once forbidden places on your body?

Marry me. Give me your children. Be here for us. Love us unconditionally. Let no one come between us again. We are two souls destined to be one. I’m sure of that. Am I alone in feeling this way? I apologize.

I don’t want to impose. I’m far from hypocritical and I want to respect your lady. Guess I just had to let you know that you crossed my mind.