One Heart, Many Chambers

I have a dilemma. I fell in love – again. It’s complicated, more complicated than I care to admit. But keep reading, I’ll share in a bit.

Darius held the door for me one day. As I turned to thank him, magnetic energy tugged at my soul. Something within was resurrected. I tried to fight it. I printed pictures of my husband and son as reminders that I have a family. That didn’t help. The energy toward Darius intensified. My impetuous admiration for Darius was distinct, addictive, and inexplicable. Since 2011, I’ve come across hundreds – if not thousands – of people, turned down countless propositions (because your girl is bad!), and remained unbothered by everyone. So I was taken aback, way back, by Darius’ ability to penetrate my barrier.

Bathing in Darius’ energy is peaceful. He moves me on a soulular (yes, soul-ular) level. He’s beautiful, with good energy. He’s easy to talk with and realistic – though I am overwhelmed by his extreme stance on Black justice. Overall, Darius brings out the best in me. His energy is the reason I’ve started writing again. I’ve shared parts of my life that only he knows. It’s a beautiful, yet complicated, time in my life right now.

I don’t have to deal with nitpicking or naysaying. My husband does enough of that. With that said, I would not leave my husband to be with Darius. It’s not a “one or the other” situation. They both reside in their own space. If my husband and I falter, it’s due to our personal irreconcilable differences.

In recent months, I’ve explored various scientific and spiritual explanations as to how Darius could’ve captivated me so strongly. A common mantra rang throughout my quest for answers. There is no explanation. Shit happens!

I’ve learned that love is euphoric, yet it is unfair, unfavorable, and unapologetic. I’m no longer the hopeless romantic waiting for a prince. If I wasn’t married or a mother, I’d probably have a few men occupying my space and providing me with wonderful experiences. Yet, my desire for solitude is just as strong. The world is too complicated and too convoluted for fairytales to dilute my reality.

Darius recently told me that he can never love me. Allowing his heart to feel would be a prison sentence to someone like Darius. And that’s his right. As I said, love can be unfair and unequal. I’m okay with that, especially because I’m no stranger to this rodeo. Nevertheless, I confessed my love for Darius. He paused, then replied, “do you?” My response, a confident and fearless, “I do.” 

It’s easy to see the beginning of something and much more difficult to see the end. Right now, I’m not sure what phase we are in, but it’s definitely not the beginning. Though, I often wish I could relive the days he openly gave a shit. I have given up on trying to get him to admit that I’ve stolen a piece of his heart or that something beautiful exists between us. 

The stipulations that are placed on this affair are complex, but I respect them. I’m grateful that I can experience all that Darius offers. No matter how much I wish there was more to this story, Darius will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

It’s human nature to be attracted to people. Society brings people together and we sometimes fall in love. Bada bing, bada boom.

At the end of the day, it’s all about love. We preach that there needs to be more love in the world. Yet, we put stipulations on how many people one can love romantically. One romantic interest at a time they say. I get it. But why does that have to be law? I stumbled across this man by happenstance and now I feel like a complete idiot, stuck in a world that won’t understand.

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