Beautiful Chaos


I fell in love again.

This time, the pace at which I dance is different. He and I bounce to new age hip hop and grind to the chopped and screwed version of our song titled “Beautiful Chaos.” The beat is too up-tempo for me; he leads and I clumsily follow. My heart races, my body aches, and I’m out of breath. No doubt, I am the amateur in this club – no matter how many times I follow him to the dance floor.

He enjoys hip hop much more than me. He’s awake but not annoyingly “woke.” Pride of who he is and what his people stand for is encoded in his swag. He mingles and vibes on a deeper level than me. But there’s so much more to him than hip hop.

He listens to understand, speaks to encourage, and adds a steadfast element to any group. Honestly, he’s an awesome person to know.

I wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him, but the timing has been off. There’s a verse in Jay Z’s Lost One that resonates with me:

I don’t think it’s meant to be,
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we ain’t we, it’s me and her
‘Cause what she prefers over me is work
And that’s where we differ
So I have to give her free time even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it’s deserved
You’ve been put on this earth
To be all you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it’s served
So I have to allow she, her time to serve
The time’s now for her, in time, she’ll mature
And maybe we can be we again like we were
Finally, my time’s too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain’t fair
So yeah, she lost one
Lose one, let go to get one
Let one, lose some to win some
Sorry, I’m a champion, sorry, I’m a champion
You lost one

I absolutely relate to Jay Z’s ability to withhold showing his love for Bey until she experiences life. The muse behind this piece (also the inspiration behind The Dangerous Libra) hasn’t been married nor does he have kids. When we talk, he mentions he may want these experiences. I want him to have those experiences. Irony exists in this entire paragraph and now is not the time to explain.

J. Cole’s video titled Kevin’s Heart depicts Kevin Hart, the comedian, fleeing from the temptation of women. Something about that video strikes a cord with me. There’s a small part of me that feels like I’m chasing a dream. I told you, I’m not familiar with the hip hop tempo.

We have our moments; when we do, they are amazing! The other night we grooved to the R&B mix of our song “Beautiful Chaos.” The tempo was more my speed. Nearly eight hours passed, but it only felt like three. We ate, drank, toasted to life’s goodness, and pleasured each other. I shed a few tears while he was inside of me (I always wondered if I could do that). I held on to that moment and stored it in the back of my mind. It’s safe in that space.

You might not have heard of Usher’s song titled Tell Me. It doesn’t get its fair share of play. If I were to keep our situationship in my world, it would constantly reflect the message of the song: closeness, love, admiration. He didn’t just steal my heart, he snagged my soul. He’s imprinted in every thought, my every breath.

As beautiful as our situationship is and as euphoric as it feels, it’s torture. I played too many hearts and not enough spades, and I will be stuck trying to learn this new age hip hop if I cannot separate our beauty from our chaos. Except, I’m not quite sure I want to do that since there’s a lot of beauty embedded in our chaos.