I can tell you how to exit your marriage with your head held high. No problem, I’ve done it – twice! I can walk you through the process of purchasing a home with little money down and also provide you with tips on how to furnish within a week. I’ve done that too! I can show you how to start a business, which includes obtaining an EIN and building a website. Hell, I can even show you how to format your resume and provide you with interviewing tips that will help you land the job.
But I can’t teach you how to remain positive when the devil tells you that you don’t measure up in your craft and that you aren’t good enough for people.
Two months ago, I purchased my condo. I’d been waiting to move on my own for nearly two years. I envisioned it daily, fantasizing on what I’d do and how peaceful I’d be. Well, peace does surround me, but loneliness lives there too, especially at night. My son is there for a few hours after school Monday-Friday before retiring at his dad’s for the night. Then, it’s me, the TV, my phone, and porn. Oh and my plastic papito that helps me get through the latter.
After seven years of living with a homebody, I enjoy walking around unclothed, breathing all of the air I can without sharing. I bask in my own energy. I set the mood! It’s mine! But lately, I find that I need to stay busy so my mind isn’t idle.
Before I moved, I thought my fun would come from dating and meeting new people. And yes, I’ve been on a date or two since I’ve been on my own. (Sadly, one of them I paid for because I have control issues.) I also flirted with a guy or two to prove that I can bring the single lady out whenever I want. A few weeks ago, I even put on a sexy dress and went to a Latin club where I allowed someone to buy me a drink (a first-ever for my Ms. Independent ass).
Yet, the truth is, the most fun I’ve had has been when I’m with my kid. He and I go skating every Friday night. He skates like he dances – no rhythm and lots of jerking motion. But I admire how he bravely (and confidently) falls as he barely makes it around the rink. His moves are so bad that the rink refs and experienced skaters reach for his hand. He ignores every request. I smile and shake my head. He’s my uncoordinated little man!
On Saturdays, he’s famous for waking me up around 4:45 a.m., even though we don’t get home from skating until close to midnight.
“Stop waking me up!” I fuss.
“It’s too dark in my room,” he mumbles before slowly backing into the hallway.
Fifteen minutes later he re-emerges and asks, “Mommy, can I just ask one question?”
“Are you going to sleep all day?”
“Either go back to sleep or watch TV. I SAID, STOP WAKING ME UP!”
Around 8 a.m., I cook him scrambled eggs, sausage or bacon, and dab some apple sauce on a plate. I normally get back in bed for a few minutes, scrolling through my phone looking for anything entertaining – usually nothing emerges. A little later, I take my son to either a nearby event, skating, bowling, or the movies. Between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m., I take him to his dad’s so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.
Last weekend, no one was available last minute, so I decided to do something solo. I saw Mike Epps was doing a comedy show in the area for a Netflix special set to air in March. I purchased myself a ticket in the second row! In theory, this was a good idea, but in reality, I felt awkward as I noticed couples and friends joined at the hip. There I was, looking powerful on the outside but feeling quite lonely.
Sundays are my day to either make boss moves or be extremely lazy. Most times, I binge on Bob’s Burgers, try to learn new moves at the skating rink, or build courses for the Sixth Sense Publishing brand.
The Not So Fun
So while I’ve ditched an unwanted relationship, picked myself up, and have begun to establish a healthy routine, the devil whispers to me every now and then. Despite having friends who offer to visit and a guy friend who offers to dust me off, I sometimes get trapped in the things that I don’t have.
I’m trying to build an empire. I want to make business moves, elevate to new heights, meet new people, and re-establish the hustle that I gave up seven years ago. Yet, most of the people in my circle are complacent in life. They like their 9-5’s and enjoy their weekends. When I talk about my next project or venture, they are genuinely happy, but they can’t quite provide the input I need to reach new heights. Just recently, I told a very good friend about two courses I’m creating and she responded in concern about the security of my 9-5 job. I was offended. How do I thrive in an environment where I touch the ceiling?
Though I mentioned that I’ve been on a few dates and flirted a few times, I want to be in love. A friend once asked, “but didn’t you just get out of a marriage?” Yes…yes I did. But that was a sexless and unromantic marriage for years. We’d become roommates, living with a kid. Now that I’m officially single, I don’t want to be loveless and sexless anymore. Hell, I don’t even want a relationship. I just want to make beautiful intimate moments. And even though I have a guy who is willing to lay it down, I don’t want to lie down with someone I don’t love. So the devil whispers “if you were wanted, you would have a romantic connection lined up.”
Sure, I have a beautiful time with my kid. But, he sometimes give me high blood pressure. LOL I needed some adult intervention.
The other day, my parents took me out for an early birthday dinner. They told me how they admire me for making my own way in life without ever asking them for help. Since they know my complete history, they know I’ve made some pretty “erratic” moves. But they said I make it look effortless. I took a picture of their cards (below).
Also, the other day, I was telling one of my girlfriends that I was feeling down. Her response, “Listen, you are a badder woman than you are giving yourself credit for right now. Anyone that is connected to you should be grateful. Not many people can do what you did. You initiated an uncontested divorced, left everything with your ex, and started completely over. You are beautiful, smart, and you go for what you want. I am honored to call you my sister.”
Wow. While the devil whispered in my ear, God used the voices of others to speak to me. Keep pushing. It will come. Keep pushing! There is so much to be grateful for and the only person stopping me would be me…if I choose to give in to the devil.
Unfortunately, so many people get caught up in self-doubt that they can’t see what’s in front of them. If you are one of them, I encourage you to take a step back and look at everything around you. The things you are lacking may not be worth sweating because your world is actually bigger than you are acknowledging.