If you’ve followed my journey, you know that love has been a significant part of my life. I’m lucky to attract men and experience love, but it also brings heartache, challenges, and stress. If not managed, these can lead to feeling isolated or bitter. I try to assess and regroup before it gets to that point.
I’ve accomplished enough in life to have a clear vision of what I want and don’t want my partner to have. Like most, I dream of a partnership filled with romance and exciting adventures, where both partners actively engage in meaningful experiences together. I envision a mix of personal and business opportunities, a life where we are best friends and co-parents to our children. Each of us has kids from previous relationships, and the thoughtful blending of our lives is essential to my vision of family and partnership.
In 2022, I started talking to a very charismatic and beautiful businessman who has a young daughter — he fit the exact mold of what I want! He’s absolutely captivating and by far like no one I’ve ever encountered. In the initial months of our connection, my feelings for him deepened. However, I made a conscious effort to keep my emotions in check and gain perspective on our situation. Over 2.5 years later, I realize we had arrived at a place of misalignment. My attention became overly fixated on him as if we were in a solidified relationship. This led to an imbalance in our connection.
My intention has always been to get him to “see” me as I see him—because we can be amazing together! Despite my efforts, I often find that the gestures and affection I offer are not returned, leaving me feeling undervalued.
As I reflect on his adoration to SiR’s songs, “The Recipe” and “John Redcorn,” I understand how they resonate with our experience. Both tracks explore the frustrations of shallow relationships, capturing the desire for deeper connections that remain out of reach. It pains me that he doesn’t see the depth my presence could bring to his life; however, I realize that I cannot desire more for him than he is willing to seek for himself.
After 2.5 years in this stagnant situation, I must confront the reality that I have become toxic – slowly poisoning myself with frustration and pain. My unchecked love for him has turned into a chase, leading to an endless cycle of emotional distress. My longing for a deeper connection prolongs my suffering, especially as he remains unwilling to engage with the most vulnerable aspects of his life. He prefers to keep our relationship separate from his other realities, fostering an emotional disconnect.
Though I consider myself patient, there has to be a limit to my endurance when there’s uncertainty about our direction and purpose. Even if I believe him to be my person or soul connection. As long as my heart beats, I will seek to love, cocreate, and expand as much as possible – no limits! I possess an abundance of love and faith that I will find someone who is as ready and willing as I am to build.
Despite the heartache and disappointment, I feel a profound sense of relief in recognizing my situation and the need for emotional health. I know what I want: a relationship where I am desired in the most intricate aspects of one’s life. This journey is about reclaiming my self-recognition and understanding that I deserve a relationship built on mutual admiration, affection, and a shared vision for the future.
Here I go again…navigating the rough waters of emotions and relationships that often leave me feeling vulnerable and exposed. Yet each experience carves out a deeper understanding of love and loss within me, teaching invaluable lessons that I know will eventually lead to more growth. Though, I know the pain is being transformed into a strength I never knew I possessed, opening doors to new beginnings filled with hope and possibilities.
Signing Off,
B.