It started off simple, but quickly became complex. Although my heart wanted more, I had to refrain from overindulgence. A young man who would come in to my life and turn me upside down. Have me think left when I want to go right. Such a complex feeling; such a bittersweet affair.
The Morehouse logo on his hoodie made my heart flutter ten thousand times.
“He’s educated!”
Our conversation got deep when we wanted it to be. He was much more than the average PG County “Joe.”
Stroking my hair, down to my ego, it’s difficult to pass you up. I found myself wanting more.
I wanted more…
I wanted more…
I wanted more!
Each time he left, there was a stain on my soul.
Defeated in my pride, I was always the one to reach out…but…he often gave no response. With each empty second, I wondered.
Although it was for only a moment in time, loving him on the balcony was one of the fondest memories I had in that often lonely space. But his silence reminded me that we were just “chillin” and I was forced to back away.
The days went by and my mind was clouded with emotional highs and lows. So I weighed my options and his in the process.
I asked myself, “Where was this going?”
My answer, “I did not know.” I knew where I want it to go, but my focus was destined to be on our reality.
“If he wanted you, he’d make himself available to you.” I paused and sighed as I thought of more logical reasons why it was a bad idea for us to continue down the road of ecstasy. But wait! I didn’t want loose our bond. I’ve wanted it for years, and now I was forced to give it up? Damn you, voice of reason!
Over and over I thought of the pros and cons. Sadly the thought of hindering his motivation to become successful pushed me back farther. The thought of becoming attached to a young man who has yet to reach his peak in the dating world made him untouchable. All the while, my hands were extended to him – trying to hold on to whatever I can that is good.
“But he’s everything I’d want,” I argued. Finally tired of reasoning with me, logic slaps me in the face. “He still has a few years to catch up, besides you are the only one who wants more.”
That’s when I looked at our situation and find that my hands can no longer reach him. We were too far apart in years and in life. And my hands fell to my side as my heart ached at the thought of the man he will become, the woman he will have, and the lifestyle he will create for yourself. It pained me even more to know that I might be a hindrance since I spoke of something a bit more permanent, and him…well I doubt you even know the definition.
I learned to be satisfied with being with him from afar. In my mind, he was tucked away where we can meet and play and love on each other as much as we’d like. We might be on different sides of the hemisphere but I enjoyed keeping you close in thought. For a moment anyway.